A mount so ridiculous you get distracted for a second. And as they wildly flail around, straddling an oversized bird with the teensiest wings, you crack a smile. Maybe even a solid chuckle. Well if you’re as addicted to the Mount Roulette feature as I am, having a solid assortment of the more lighthearted mounts in the game can keep you riding to and from your destinations with a grin on your face – and maybe even inspire the same in your fellow Eorzeans. If you’re looking to add some zany zest to your collection, check out these picks below and let the gloriously chubby cheeks of Fat Chocobo turn that frown upside down.
10. Fat Chocobo
Ah, Fat Chocobo. The original “what-the-heck?” mount in FFXIV. Fat Chocobo’s been delighting players since 2014 (Patch 2.2: Through The Maelstrom). No matter how often I see its chunky waddle, baby wings, eyelids closed, pathetic biting at the bunch of gysahl greens hanging from the stick you’re holding, it never fails to inspire the part of me that yearns for quirkiness in my MMORPGs. Did I mention the mount music? Two words: Dissonant Trombones. Originally terrestrial, tubby was made a flying mount in Heavensward, and somehow this bloated and beloved bird captured our hearts once more as it miraculously took to the sky, aided by the feeble beating of its lil’ wings. How to get: The Fat Chocobo Whistle is acquired by registering the Collector’s Edition of A Realm Reborn ($19.99 to upgrade).
9. Dodo
Keeping with our theme of goofy birds, what the Dodo lacks in cuteness it more than makes up for in ridiculousness. Your character holds on for dear life during its running animation, giving the mount its signature out-of-control look. During flight, poor Dodo opens its beak to pant. And similar to Fat Chocobo, its tiny wings try their hardest to keep you airborne. As a comedic bonus, pretty much all races minus the Lalafell look oversized when riding the Dodo – which is probably why it wants to buck you off constantly! How to get: The Dodo Horn is obtained from platinum-haloed sacks in Heaven-on-High (floors 71-100).
8. Laurel Goobbue
What could be more outrageous than sitting snugly atop the head of a formerly formidable foe? Seeing your character perched proudly above Laurel Goobbue’s terrifying toothy grin and beady eyes is downright silly. Seeing all this happen from the back (this mount has dad-bod 100% and more rolls than a Pillsbury ad) is peak entertainment. Of course it flies, silly! FFXIV has a knack for logic-bending its earlier ground-only mounts into the air. And this one’s no exception. I bet someone at Square Enix had a lot of fun animating Laurel Goobbue’s wavy noodle arms for flight mode. How to get: The Laurel Goobbue Horn can be purchased for 120,000gil from the Sylph Vendor in Little Solace after you’ve reached rank 7 (Trusted) with the tribe.
7. Fatter Cat
The first time I summoned Fatter Cat, I was unprepared. I was greeted with the sweetest meow, and out popped this chonk of a cream-colored cat loafing snugly on the ground. When Fatter Cat runs, it’s got an adorable skip to its step. And it waddles its dainty paws in the air during flight. I’ve never seen a cat fly in real life. But this is exactly how I’d picture it. Oddly enough, the Palace of the Dead theme music plays when mounted. So you might want to have the mount music off if you find it distracting. How to get: The Fatter Cat Bugle can be purchased on the MogStation ($16.80, reduced from $24).
6. Mikoshi
Mikoshi is… extravagant, to say the least.
And any “hold-on-for-dear-life” type should make anyone’s list of goofiest mounts.
A devoted team of eight adorable Namazu carry you, Japanese norimono (a type of palanquin) style, in near perfect unison.
What’s more, the Mikoshi mount has a special action called ‘Wasshoi’, in which the team does a “heave-ho!” culminating in a flurry of golden air sparkles.
Hilarity ensues when Mikoshi takes flight — your Namazu friends, by the grace of whatever force propels the norimono through the air, hold on by dangling from the wooden beams.
One of them even gets tired and goes… catatonic(?) if you stay suspended in the air too long.
How to get: The Mikoshi Flute is obtained by spending 20 Namazu Koban tokens after you reach rank 8 (Bloodsworn) with the tribe.
5. Sabotender Emperador
There’s no better way to display your love of Gold Saucer grinding than with Sabotender Emperador — it’s essentially a rideable Gold Saucer miniature, and there’s quite a lot to take in. You sit atop one of its cactus arms, accompanied by a peppy Chocobo chick and a Moogle. I’m not quite sure how a bouncing cactus sounds. But I have a pretty good idea after riding this mount around in terrestrial-mode. When Sabotender takes flight, six balloons (featuring Fat Cat!) pop out, reaching its pinnacle of nonsensical silliness. Chocobo chick even goes airborne! How to get: The Sabotender Emperador Horn can be purchased at the Gold Saucer for a whopping 2 million MGP.
4. Starlight Bear
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? Now, bear with me on this one. The most seasonal pick on the list, Starlight Bear can be used year-round – but its red and white fur-trimmed cap and coat undoubtedly conjure a certain wintry holiday cheer. This mount becomes un-bear-ably goofy when you start to spam its mount-specific action, Starburst, a targetable AoE that makes Starlight Bear throw exploding presents. This one’s a must to pull out during the holidays — you’re sure to inspire joy in the hearts of all. How to get: The Starlight Bear Horn can be purchased for $12 from the FFXIV Online Store.
3. Spriggan Stonecarrier
Nobody’s quite sure what a spriggan is. They look like a cross between a soot-blasted bunny and Fizzgig from The Dark Crystal. With toothpick legs and a love of mining, spriggans are a traditionally hostile creature known to collect and throw stones at players. …except for the one carrying you in its basket. Spriggan Stonecarrier is as undeniably friendly (it’s got a sunflower pinned to its satchel and butterflies flying nearby) as it is wacky. When in flight, a halo of purple gems surround you as it lifts you on top of its head, gliding through the air with a wide toothy smile on its face (which also doubles as its body). How to get: The Spriggan Stonecarrier Horn can be purchased on the MogStation ($16.80, reduced from $24).
2. Korpokkur Kolossus
Korpokkur are usually small, hence the -Kolossus.
They’re essentially little bloated moss balls with a sprout protruding from their heads, the apex of which is a big leaf with a beautiful crystalline water droplet resting inside.
Another Gold Saucer grind, Korpokkur seems to have drunk way too much water, resulting in its epic size and ridiculous appearance.
When in terrestrial mode, it does a delightful hop. And in flight, it casts a luminous green glow, propelled by a beautiful spiral wind.
How the water droplet manages to stay in the leaf is beyond me.
How to get: The Korpokkur Kolossus Whistle can be purchased at the Gold Saucer for a modest 750,000 MGP.
1. Adamantoise
Before I introduce my top pick, I have to ask: When’s the last time you cried yourself laughing? At first glance, Adamantoise isn’t anything special. It’s a big ol’ tortoise with a carpet draped over the top of its shell. And the casual way your character sits on it belies an insanity that no one’s prepared for the first time they see it. When in flight, Adamantoise tucks its head and limbs into its shell and begins to rapidly whirl around, fueled by fiery jet propulsions emanating from its… leg holes. I could spend a lifetime trying to describe my inner confusion and not come close to a description that does this turtle justice. The cherry on top is how your character maintains their indifference while spinning. How to get: The Adamantoise Whistle can be purchased at the Gold Saucer for a reasonable 200,000 MGP.
